memories of the cabinet 1999

So, did you talk to him?
Yes, a little.
What did you talk about? How did you find him?
I asked him these and those. And he's given me ever so clear and intelligent answers to my questions.
Did you like him?
I'm not sure if I liked him, but thought you might like him, do you?
Pttt. No. I loved his first film. You know it's a beautiful piece of work, so sharp and dazzling with bitter reality. But this, his second one feels a bit artificial, at least I felt it was when I went to the private screening. I didn't like the way he was when I first met him. There was something I couldn't trust what he said. And after the private screening, while we were moving to a pub, he came near me and asked what I thought of the final edition of the film we all saw in the screening.
And?
I told him that I was disappointed.
And?
He said he found me very sexy.
And?
I told him to fuck off.
Is that all?
That's all.
Do you want some chocolate?
No, thanks.

Searching; a girl at the age of puberty and the work of art to be done

I saw it and, and I thought, thought my standard's gone down to a low level.
You liked it, didn't you.
Yes, I did. And I thought I am probably being very generous about it. I couldn't be more judgemental, because it's yours.
Sure. It could happen.
It reminded me of Chirico's, sort of one of his work. You know I like his work.
It sounds like...I may have seen his work. I should have. I'm sure I have but can you spell his name for me?
C.H.I.R.I.C.O. DE CHIRICO.
Ok. Got it. Aha. Well, I see where you are coming from.

The whole thing just felt like a girl at the age of puberty...the unmellowed beauty.

I don't want to be ashamed of myself.
Nor do I.
I thought I like people.
And? But?
I don't think I do now.
You don't?
When others told me that they didn't think I like people, I disagreed. But I'm thinking the reason why I thought I like people was just because I needed people. I don't certainly need people as much as others do, so if I feel I needed people, how scarce people have I, huh?...well, do you want to talk about your angst and doubt?
No, let's just talk about your thing first.
Why?
Because it's my story, too. And our interest in common is stories about H and B. Anyway, when you've told me that...you like me, don't you.
I do. You know that.
So then your relationship is fine. I've met so many people as you know. Of course, there may also be a lot of people who meet more people than I do. But if I now didn't have you, I would be really lonely. I've been thinking about what it is to like the other.
If I didn't have you, I would be thinking of ending this life.
Uh-huh. I've never seen anyone seeming to like the other sincerely, but there was someone who's got a nice facial expression, thinking of others as the oneself, so peaceful. I guess it's coming from both one's own respect for and trust in oneself. That's not what everyone can do. The problem is that we've become very lonely. I think what it is to like others is to understand we all are lonely and to try to learn about. It couldn't just be sweet. It would be like having a meal. Breadwinning is not easy. You are going through a hard time so that you learn a lot.

Wasabi peas

Do you know how we can keep on living?
Well...right now I don't want to, not sure if I can.
We forget things. You won't rememer this moment after all.
Forgetfulness is a gift for all human-beings.

A man with a common sense

Have you ever noticed that your index fingernail's growing faster than the rest?
You mean the one on my right hand?
Yes.
Yes, I have actually.
So, you were saying I shouldn't talk to him in depth?
Yes. I don't think it helps you. It will soon go meaningless and that will suffocate you.
I must say, it has been something like that. Not that the meaninglessness suffocated me, but surely I haven't found much fascination as we carried on deeper conversation and most time I get angry.
Why?
I feel I went through a smelly bin trying to find something germ-free.
Did you think the bin would be clean?
I hoped it would be. 'BIN' is just a type of thing designed to store rubbish, I thought it can still be for other use.
Like what?
Like, I bought a container that meant to be a little bin, but I used it to store raw rice, you know.
Okay. Here is difference. You couldn't ever know where the bin's been, I mean the bin you went through. You just hoped it would be clean. But the bin you are using it to store food has never been exposed to contamination, it is clear to your knowledge, at least, you don't have to hope for it.
I hoped we could be friends.
Trust your instinct. Did you ever really see any connection?
No. But I'm not sure. Was there any between H, S and E and myself? I don't know. Yeah, may be there were something I thought it had been written for us.
No, no. Don't go too far. So, there were some distinct facts or feelings.
Yes, you can say that.
Try to be a bit more specific, that's what you need to do.
People try to make me realise how little friends I have and how little time I spend time with them. I don't understand why it so much matters to them.
You do understand it, but apparently when you said that you don't understand, you don't like it.
No, I don't.

The best thing of the day

You drink every day.
Um, Yeah, I like it.
You are alcoholic.
Nope. I only do a little and I can easily go without it.
No, you can't.
I can. But I do need a drink tonight. Because it makes my life easy! You should try it.
What's it so hard for you?
(Pause)You think your life is the hardest to live, but life is as hard as you make it. You think everybody else’s is easy, and I know you feel sorry for yourself but.
I didn't say my life is the hardest and everybody else's is easy. I said, what is it so hard for you? And, what? You feel sorry for yourself?
No. You feel sorry for yourself.
I feel sorry for myself? Why?
Um, no, no. I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. (Pause) Uh, I have a privilege that I don't deserve.
Yes, you have a privilege but I don't know if you don't deserve it or not.
I just have it. I didn't earn it.
No, you didn't.

I had this weird dream last night, I wrote.

I thought the bitterness of cigarette in your saliva was rather similar to the taste of blood.
Did I tell you that I thought the music you wrote was very good? Yeah, I did think so. You are pleased. I'm pleased to see you are. I've always liked your sincere face whether you frown, explode with fury or bear discontent, try to catch implications, you come to a conclusion or decision, and you are satisfied and even smug or disappointed and distressed, but most time indifferent. I am not sure if there was any illusion sometimes.
And your dad is a dancer? He danced for me to your music for a short while when you've gone, only using his upper body. I am sure it was for me, because he looked at me trying to observe my reaction at the end of his performance. Once he started I soon knew his performance was going to impress me. It was quiet, succinct and modest on the whole but there were also poetic implications with intensity, just the way I like things.
You kindly asked me if I wanted to have a rest so if I wanted a bathroom. When you left me by the door of the bathroom, I realised that the level of the bathroom was at the height of my knee. I had to step up as I went into the room.
The bathroom was dim and grey, but it was shimmery with warm yellow light, as the bare cement wall indicated its very skilful hard-working labour so is he proud of himself.
It was a spacious room but didn't include a toilet nor had a bath. There was only a rubber hose attached to a water tap and a plastic wash bowl on the floor.
I needed a wee so I just pulled my trousers down then try to wee on the floor. As I was uncomfortable of doing it I couldn't relax the muscle to pee for a few seconds. And I started to worry whether I was being watched once I realised that there was no toilet tissue. I turned my head around the room and found a little window, felt bad. I poured a big bowl of water to wash it away.

Sheer jealousy

Did it help you keep going forward or backwards?
What's the matter?
What's the matter? I don't know I just can't breathe at the moment.
She said, she said, ah, I might be in the eye of typhoon. I mean she, she is right.
What is it you are so afraid of?
You don't have to tell me, I know I'm going nowhere. I will dig in and wait.