A phenomenon

I knew he was looking at my open diary.
When I was just about to leave my country,
I found his statement about me in his blog.
He said he could have loved me.
I knew he was ready to love me, but I didn't let him do it.
I never gave him a chance.
I never liked the way he was.
He was a coward.
He was hurt.
He was a total wreck.
He then realised, as he stated, it was the reason I left him behind.
I was released, glad he finally got it.
And I wondered if I wasn't hurt.
I was hurt too.
I didn't want to look back.
I was afraid of looking at myself fucked up.

You need to see things correctly, she says.
How? I ask.
How? She repeats.
Separate facts and hopes.
What's the difference?
Then she remains in silence.
It's all a matter of faith, huh? Faith in life. But the thing is we have it or don't have it. Its existence or non existence is not subject to variation. I shout out.
Try not to be taken in. She says quietly.
I understand what you mean my love.
I cannot describe how much I miss you.
I have started to enjoy this cold but you are always in my mind.
I lied that I was happy for your commitment.
I am madly jealous of it.
Being your only friend doesn't mean anything.
I feel terribly insecure.
I live at present.