싫다니까

그런건 싫어.

꿈꾸는 여자 그리고 남자

너는 결코 여자가 될 수 없어. 그건 네가 죽는다 해도 가능하지 않을거야.

방아쇠를 당겨라

그냥 참을래요. 그게 아니라면 말죠. 그냥 이렇게 꾹꾹 눌러놓을래요. 외부와 격리된 공간에서 나를 보는 시간을 가지는 거죠. 나쁘지 않아요. 그러다가 언젠가 무너지게 되면 받아들일께요.

부끄러움은 인생의 꽃

나는 두렵습니다. 그대도 가끔 내 생각을 하고 있나요. 다시 끓는 감정에 수치감을 느껴요. 눈앞의 물건들을 때려부시고 비명을 질러야 풀릴것 같지만 그것이 해결방법은 아니겠죠. 누구든 나에게 찬물 한번 확 끼얹어 주면 감사하겠습니다.

그대 나의 당당함은 허위입니다.

무기력하고 외로운 저녁이다. 외롭구나. 나는 무엇을 할 수 있는가. 그대 나는 용기가 없다. 알지 못하는 것에 대한 두려움은 누구에게나 있는가. 몰라도 창피하지 않고 새로움에 놀라는 어린아이와 같이 사고하고 행동하며 살고 싶다. 그대 나는 부끄럽다. 가슴속에 응진 이 뜨거움이 부끄럽다. 뛰는 나의 심장이 부끄럽다. 그대 나의 당당함은 허위입니다. 사람이 살고, 내가 살고, 느끼고, 지치고, 겁나고, 즐겁고, 분노하고, 실망합니다. 나는 외롭고 창피합니다.

20년 만에 다시읽은 이방인

집으로 돌아온지 이틀째, 인터넷 연결이 아직 되지 않는 이유로 집어든 책들.
오랫만에 책장을 둘러보니 나한테 이런 책들도 있었나 싶다.
그중 하나 카뮈의 이방인.
처음 이 소설을 접하였을 때 어떤 기분이었는지 잘 기억이 나지 않는다.
20년정도 된 듯한데.

속이 후련하네.
그런데 잠깐.
이래도 되는건가?
나는 위험한 여자? ㅎㅎㅎㅎ

Bergman and Scenes from a Marriage

Let me just release this thoughts hovering in my head.

I'd had such an outburst relief and gratitude of the film, Another Woman, by Woody Allen, and followed his inspiration for the film, Wild Strawberries by Bergman, which I loved most amongst Bergman’s other well-respected films that bored me and failed me to watch them to the end. However I got very excited about this film titled, Scenes from a Marriage.
After watching some of his best known films, despite being so curious about the film for its title I hesitated to see this for months. It was just because, I got so sick of this woman, Liv Ullmann.
I think, for now, I will have no regret to see her face in any kind of film or any other media. I totally totally hate her face. She has this, such an irritating artificial layer that prevents my emotional appreciation of the person she impersonates. Her acting is overrated.
And I am thinking it may be the reason why it didn't worry me at all when I thought I wanted to watch 'Wild Strawberries' again. She is in almost every film of Bergman but he hadn't found her just yet at the time.
However, anyway, tonight, I thought I was being absurd not watching the film if I really wanted to know what my favourite film director had to say about marriage or possibly any kind of committed relationship. It doesn't matter who's in it, does it?
I am not sure if it is quite right to say that I loved the film. But I must say that it was very well executed. I would say that I enjoyed comparing my view and Bergman's. And the pathetic story of, probably, most people's marriage as I gather, reassured myself that my assumption and understanding about most marriages are fair.

There is this girl I have known for a year and an half or so. I think she is good at making good first impression on people and also makes an effort to be in continuous contact with you. And this is how I got into a 'keeping in touch' with her up until now. I am not saying she is no good after all. In fact, she is polite (in her own way and in most commonly expected and acceptable way) and kind (also in her very own way and in most commonly expected and acceptable way). She is an upbeat driven artist, who makes abstract paintings which are about 'spiritual, physical and literal containment of improvisational moments of creation'. She is obviously 'concerned with the representation of the inner world and attempts to harness the inner movement of life, which is inspired by the realm of nature and spirit, in order to create image from the inner world, that lies somewhere between creation and existence'.
At first I was slightly zealous of her being happily married and doing very well to pursue her career as a professional artist.
The more I get to see her with her husband the more sceptical I have become. (To be continued)