It's hard

People.

Exquisite confession

It was embarrassing.
You seemed most intelligent when you said that so straight.
It was?

Trivial.
It was trivial, shallow or even wrong to me.
I understand it was of myself in fact.
Wonderful.

You, fat alcoholic.
Good to see you.

Estranged from authority

I met J years ago when H had become an activist, started working for the biggest rebellious organisation in Korea.
I was glad to hear H was enjoying working there and fell in love with the director since I disapproved of her engagement with her long term ex-boyfriend who used to beat her from time to time.
Once I found out her ex who I never really got on with treated her badly, I dragged H from their flat and kept her in my place for six months.
She went on seeing him.
I took her to doctor's. I was worried if she was pregnant.
I made my journey only to meet her new man, to check up on him.
I liked him as soon as I talked to him, but H told me that he was still with his fiancée. Brilliant.

I only noticed J when all of us (absolutely everyone) were offended by the crap opera, we were invited to, so decided to make a quick move to a pub so that we could talk loud about it.
On the way to a pub she was already talking very loud with great sarcasm.
I first didn't like the loud manner but in terms of the contents thought she was funny and interesting.
I wanted to know who the person was.
Oh my lord, she is hideous. I thought.
I then discovered that J was a board member of the organisation, Uni lecturer with a doctorate degree in Korean literature and infamous play critic.
A few months later when half of my aesthetics study group members went on their postgraduate studies so we decided to stop meeting, I joined their philosophy seminar sessions.
I met J again.
I actually didn't mind J and nor did she.
I barely knew anyone apart from H so felt a little bit isolated, but the day I was late for the seminar things changed.
Everyone laughed so much, especially J couldn't stop laughing for so long and probably she still laughs about it.
They said I was hilarious, said I was what exactly H used to describe me to them.
J thought I was just like her.
Everyone agreed we were identical.
I didn't understand what it actually meant.

That's abuse.
In terms of the similarity between us,
she's just been disappointed at which I am.

H is still in love with the same guy.
I am happy for her.
I am happy too, but I never expected this was going to be this hard.
I know it very well.
I won't say more if that's what you want to go through.

Your day

I lied to you.
Have I ruined your day?

13 minute desolation

Around 13.46pm today.
There was a warm contagious lump underneath unguarded pale curves see through a fine freckle lying on thin veins forgotten hunger.
I wished you would be dissipated soon in burning sight unreasoned calm never been mine.
Who will remember this has seen it.
I ran into you there was a wooden bench I sat.
People I despised, people I loved, people I never met will welcome my return I insist.
It's time to go back that's nothing.
You want to go back no more holding his myth.
Live on what you think it was physical.
Have I become healthier to say I want to go back than want to die.
Hold on a minute.

I can't tell you

It will bring me to light.
All my honesty you've seen was to play this game, to fight against my will.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (10)

Hello, mate.
Yes.
I couldn't go to sleep.
Oh dear, why?
Something worries me.
What is it?
You know S.
Have I told you that I decided to end a relationship with one of my mentors at uni?
Well...it rings me a bell.
He was very nice to me but his attitude was not healthy.
I didn't like the way he tried to read my mind.
But I think you do that too.
It always freaks me out when you watch people with knowing what's going on but not saying anything.
Do I really do that?
Yeap, and I don't like it even if it is not my case.
What is going on and I just watch?
You perfectly sense that the person in front of you is behaving abnormally or spiteful, but you never say a word for a while.
Do I?
Yes!
That's a little cruel although I don't think it's a bad thing to do.
Do I watch them with a blank expression on my face?
Of course not. You are slightly laughing at them.
I see.
You may not be the same person now though.
It could be quite scary then.
It is indeed.
I may have done it today.
Then you have done it.
However, in fact, I genuinely did not know what I was required to say or do due to the very meandering manner.
Humm...you didn't.
It irritated me, but I didn't ask her what she really wanted from me.
Leave it cool or make yourself be used to it.
I don't mean this is not a place, this is a part of the place.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (09)

Been there for a long time.
I only figured that I am still thinking about you.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (08)

I have considered living like you.
I totally envy your way to conduct life.
She often told me that she only needs men to have sex or to objectify herself.
You can still know that love does not exist even if you haven't experienced a serious relationship.
We like to get together, we can talk for hours about various subjects and that's enjoyable and we take care of each other, but it does not mean I'm in love with him.
I was terrified by the nightmare I became hermaphrodite.
I am bearing with a creature I might have left if I am, I was.
Is this just enduring, ways and means to be fair, learning to grow or wanting?
You shouldn't be if you didn't want to.
I'd like you to know that.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (07)

I have noticed that we both do not believe in each other.
We pretend and only said so.
Congratulations.
T actually had said to me that T did not TRUST anyone on that particular occasion.
I laughed but at the same time I also asked myself whether I did or not.
Neither did I.
I had left it open.
I chose not to make my mind up.
Not like my mind, my grown-up corpse worries instruction.
Admit that.
I may not be capable of facing the world.
You, have a good day.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (06)

I honestly thought she would have been the cleverest woman I will ever meet.
Well..she is clever but probably not the most intelligent.
I was scared of how I would be mirrored in her eyes.
I saw myself very clearly over the last few days she has frequently become “ordinary” or below, sorry about this.
I have always fought against prejudice might disrupt my own sights.
I wasn’t influenced by specific others’ but realised that I was indeed, by others’ in general. I mean the social ones, the very big invisible one.
I want to kill her sometimes.
Yes, right now, right here with wild and sharp shouts.
Oh, I jumped from her to her.
That’s her testing my patience.
Well… perhaps her too.
I just wanted to announce that I am not afraid to demonstrate my stupidity today.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (05)

The weather is getting cold here.
I never liked coldness.
But is it I should be familiar with now?
What should I be familiar with?
I have started thinking of leaving this city.
Thought I should be moving on. It is always people, make me moving.
The way they look at me, the way I feel onto it and the way I think I should be.
But what should I be?
By talking to S today I realised that I never do what I really want to do.
I have never done at least. Should I start doing it now? Or shouldn't I?
What if I don't know what it might be?
So sensitive myself to smell, I sometimes wake up from sleep,
notice I have not emptied the little bin beside my bed for a while.
I've got to empty it, I walk down with a bin bag, open the front door witness outside house. Surreal. Always it looks I am unaccustomed to.
The big council bin is never clean, I then wash my hands, frown at a hair in the basin if there is any, get back to my room.
On the way back to my place, I hear the boy next door snoring loudly or sometimes hear the 18stone fat boy watching TV upstairs.
Then I will never be able to get back to sleep soon.
Should I be that so sensitive to smell? I guess I shouldn't, but how can I be insensitive to or unaware of?
I wanted to sense everything in this world.
I wanted to appreciate as many as possible. I did not want to miss a thing.
As I am getting older I feel that I appreciate more things and I like it.
But the truth is it has not very changed the core in me.
Although it is apparent that I have moved into a new region of living where I thought I replaced people could be around me, nothing seems different.
It doesn't matter where they are from, where they belong to now or how I get to know them.
I am not afraid of losing anymore.I am not so glad of having anymore.
There aren't any I know of.