So, what now then?

You are upset, aren't you?
Yeah.
Everybody likes you.
Hum, I don't like everybody.
You don't.
No, I don't. But you wouldn't know, would you?
No.
You don't know, then shut up!
(giggles)

Is she going home?
I hope so.

memories of the cabinet 1999

So, did you talk to him?
Yes, a little.
What did you talk about? How did you find him?
I asked him these and those. And he's given me ever so clear and intelligent answers to my questions.
Did you like him?
I'm not sure if I liked him, but thought you might like him, do you?
Pttt. No. I loved his first film. You know it's a beautiful piece of work, so sharp and dazzling with bitter reality. But this, his second one feels a bit artificial, at least I felt it was when I went to the private screening. I didn't like the way he was when I first met him. There was something I couldn't trust what he said. And after the private screening, while we were moving to a pub, he came near me and asked what I thought of the final edition of the film we all saw in the screening.
And?
I told him that I was disappointed.
And?
He said he found me very sexy.
And?
I told him to fuck off.
Is that all?
That's all.
Do you want some chocolate?
No, thanks.

Searching; a girl at the age of puberty and the work of art to be done

I saw it and, and I thought, thought my standard's gone down to a low level.
You liked it, didn't you.
Yes, I did. And I thought I am probably being very generous about it. I couldn't be more judgemental, because it's yours.
Sure. It could happen.
It reminded me of Chirico's, sort of one of his work. You know I like his work.
It sounds like...I may have seen his work. I should have. I'm sure I have but can you spell his name for me?
C.H.I.R.I.C.O. DE CHIRICO.
Ok. Got it. Aha. Well, I see where you are coming from.

The whole thing just felt like a girl at the age of puberty...the unmellowed beauty.

I don't want to be ashamed of myself.
Nor do I.
I thought I like people.
And? But?
I don't think I do now.
You don't?
When others told me that they didn't think I like people, I disagreed. But I'm thinking the reason why I thought I like people was just because I needed people. I don't certainly need people as much as others do, so if I feel I needed people, how scarce people have I, huh?...well, do you want to talk about your angst and doubt?
No, let's just talk about your thing first.
Why?
Because it's my story, too. And our interest in common is stories about H and B. Anyway, when you've told me that...you like me, don't you.
I do. You know that.
So then your relationship is fine. I've met so many people as you know. Of course, there may also be a lot of people who meet more people than I do. But if I now didn't have you, I would be really lonely. I've been thinking about what it is to like the other.
If I didn't have you, I would be thinking of ending this life.
Uh-huh. I've never seen anyone seeming to like the other sincerely, but there was someone who's got a nice facial expression, thinking of others as the oneself, so peaceful. I guess it's coming from both one's own respect for and trust in oneself. That's not what everyone can do. The problem is that we've become very lonely. I think what it is to like others is to understand we all are lonely and to try to learn about. It couldn't just be sweet. It would be like having a meal. Breadwinning is not easy. You are going through a hard time so that you learn a lot.

Wasabi peas

Do you know how we can keep on living?
Well...right now I don't want to, not sure if I can.
We forget things. You won't rememer this moment after all.
Forgetfulness is a gift for all human-beings.

A man with a common sense

Have you ever noticed that your index fingernail's growing faster than the rest?
You mean the one on my right hand?
Yes.
Yes, I have actually.
So, you were saying I shouldn't talk to him in depth?
Yes. I don't think it helps you. It will soon go meaningless and that will suffocate you.
I must say, it has been something like that. Not that the meaninglessness suffocated me, but surely I haven't found much fascination as we carried on deeper conversation and most time I get angry.
Why?
I feel I went through a smelly bin trying to find something germ-free.
Did you think the bin would be clean?
I hoped it would be. 'BIN' is just a type of thing designed to store rubbish, I thought it can still be for other use.
Like what?
Like, I bought a container that meant to be a little bin, but I used it to store raw rice, you know.
Okay. Here is difference. You couldn't ever know where the bin's been, I mean the bin you went through. You just hoped it would be clean. But the bin you are using it to store food has never been exposed to contamination, it is clear to your knowledge, at least, you don't have to hope for it.
I hoped we could be friends.
Trust your instinct. Did you ever really see any connection?
No. But I'm not sure. Was there any between H, S and E and myself? I don't know. Yeah, may be there were something I thought it had been written for us.
No, no. Don't go too far. So, there were some distinct facts or feelings.
Yes, you can say that.
Try to be a bit more specific, that's what you need to do.
People try to make me realise how little friends I have and how little time I spend time with them. I don't understand why it so much matters to them.
You do understand it, but apparently when you said that you don't understand, you don't like it.
No, I don't.

The best thing of the day

You drink every day.
Um, Yeah, I like it.
You are alcoholic.
Nope. I only do a little and I can easily go without it.
No, you can't.
I can. But I do need a drink tonight. Because it makes my life easy! You should try it.
What's it so hard for you?
(Pause)You think your life is the hardest to live, but life is as hard as you make it. You think everybody else’s is easy, and I know you feel sorry for yourself but.
I didn't say my life is the hardest and everybody else's is easy. I said, what is it so hard for you? And, what? You feel sorry for yourself?
No. You feel sorry for yourself.
I feel sorry for myself? Why?
Um, no, no. I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. (Pause) Uh, I have a privilege that I don't deserve.
Yes, you have a privilege but I don't know if you don't deserve it or not.
I just have it. I didn't earn it.
No, you didn't.

I had this weird dream last night, I wrote.

I thought the bitterness of cigarette in your saliva was rather similar to the taste of blood.
Did I tell you that I thought the music you wrote was very good? Yeah, I did think so. You are pleased. I'm pleased to see you are. I've always liked your sincere face whether you frown, explode with fury or bear discontent, try to catch implications, you come to a conclusion or decision, and you are satisfied and even smug or disappointed and distressed, but most time indifferent. I am not sure if there was any illusion sometimes.
And your dad is a dancer? He danced for me to your music for a short while when you've gone, only using his upper body. I am sure it was for me, because he looked at me trying to observe my reaction at the end of his performance. Once he started I soon knew his performance was going to impress me. It was quiet, succinct and modest on the whole but there were also poetic implications with intensity, just the way I like things.
You kindly asked me if I wanted to have a rest so if I wanted a bathroom. When you left me by the door of the bathroom, I realised that the level of the bathroom was at the height of my knee. I had to step up as I went into the room.
The bathroom was dim and grey, but it was shimmery with warm yellow light, as the bare cement wall indicated its very skilful hard-working labour so is he proud of himself.
It was a spacious room but didn't include a toilet nor had a bath. There was only a rubber hose attached to a water tap and a plastic wash bowl on the floor.
I needed a wee so I just pulled my trousers down then try to wee on the floor. As I was uncomfortable of doing it I couldn't relax the muscle to pee for a few seconds. And I started to worry whether I was being watched once I realised that there was no toilet tissue. I turned my head around the room and found a little window, felt bad. I poured a big bowl of water to wash it away.

Sheer jealousy

Did it help you keep going forward or backwards?
What's the matter?
What's the matter? I don't know I just can't breathe at the moment.
She said, she said, ah, I might be in the eye of typhoon. I mean she, she is right.
What is it you are so afraid of?
You don't have to tell me, I know I'm going nowhere. I will dig in and wait.

When laziness and cowardice have taken over you

I know, I'm completely fucked.

It all pertains to your flesh; retrospection of her instinct

Wow, you look great.

Here is the deal. I will help you this time but I want you to bring me some real jobs to make money.

You freaked me out. You are a freak. I just couldn't believe someone actually can say such things in the first encounter. Did you think it is OK to do with me?

Oh, wow.
Yeah, that's awful.
I read two books.

Oh, god. He is lovely.
It didn't bother me.
He looked at my breasts slightly exposed by the flare of my purple top.

Such a warm and kind hearted person.
I thought.
I just pulled my top supposed to cover my flesh.
I didn't come up to a dirty conclusion.

Yeah, he is very nice.
She said.

You know, at the end of his performance, I had an urge to jump up to the stage and give him a kiss.
That's an animalistic reaction.
I pertain to meat.

I wondered why this woman would want to say that. She was trying to sucking up to her and did know she has really bad taste.

I was just trying to be friends with you. I thought you confided to me so I felt I should do something in return. You were faking, I see.

The look, when you said his paper was the best for you on the day, did make you suspicious, didn't it. And you did think there was no meat in the conversation.

The night in the period of indolence through the agency of surrender

Tomorrow, I will be looking at the tangled affairs have been pressing me down for days in a right mood some time before it kills itself.

What were you born for?

Happy birthday to you.
Have a great day.
...Thank you, I guess.
But the question is, should I be happy for being older?
Why shouldn't you be?
Well, I guess I am just getting old not getting mature.
What I have been thinking for the last few days was committing suicide. I don't like my life this way.
That's again, a matter of expectation. What do you want more?
Perhaps, she was right. She is right.
I need to talk to her.
She wouldn't like to.
You then have to swallow this fever.
People get married, have children, make a family, all of which are making a commitment...to, to have something to hang on to.
What are you thinking of?
Nothing.
Don't get your hopes up.
I won't.

Three sentences to awake; feels that way

Ah, she's not like me.
She has a family where she belongs and rests for xy.
She is not on her own at all.
You now realise that it may have been a kinda delusion.
So you are feeling guilty?
Yes, I wish I could ever leave my arse alone without feeling guilty.
We all need some time to chill out for a bit. You know, to regenerate ourselves.

Because I don't know you. We've never met.
It's four actually, isn't it?
Well, I like it three, feels more dramatic.

How are you today?

I'm pissed off. utterly pissed off. Every single dickhead out there, just fuck off!

Affordable superficiality

Why is it harder to make friends as you get older?
Failures, then there isn't much hope left here as used to be.
She turned her shoulder against him.
She saw him walking down and she didn't want him to stop by.
She didn't think she would be able to face him.
She murmured it was a matter of confidence.
Nop. It's a matter of expectation.
What do you want?
How many people you've dumped?
They made me dump them.
You couldn't be that much superficial.
Youth is able to be.
That is why it's getting harder to make friends as you get older.
Is life really not worth without friends?
Is there a place you want to put yourself?
You only fear to be alone.

When you hear the sheer news

You didn't think you would be worried?
She's always been very frail.
How are you then?

embarrassment is the flower of life; thank you for giving me my husband back

Hahahaha, why?
Donno, when I first heard that, I just thought it sounds quite plausible.
Yeah, I like that.

It's kind of dirty but that depicts the reality of life, you know, how I see the complexity of life.
Ah.

No. I think you are making it very clear. All the lies and superficiality behind the all love relationship. That's disgusting.

While the shoe hunt was decided, will treat you something nice. How are we going to get nice food in a crappy snack bar, mum? Maybe she meant that "we eat out". Is that a kind of gesture that I AM YOUR CHILD AND YOU ARE THE MUM? Well, as a matter of fact, I don't remember whether I was a child crying out for whatever they want to possess. I didn't want to ask for anything. I didn't want to ask them to be embarrassed, because they couldn't afford nor were false parents not really caring for their child. I said, no I don't want it. I don't need it.mum, I don't want that. I insist. I always tried not to order expensive ones and pretended that I really want to go for that cheap plate. I didn't want mum to know I cared for her pocket. No offence. You don't earn much. So easy to burst into tears, to be deceived by colleagues? I don't think they like me because I am not interested in their life. I don't want to get involved in their gossip. I won't be a friend of theirs, they talk rubbish. I don't talk to them. This is why my boss loves me. I only think about work when I am at work. What do they talk about, mum? Rubbish.oh.so you bragged them? Yeah. Haha and you bought them lunch? Yup. What was I supposed to do? My daughter has won a competition because she is exceptional; the frail and adolecent manner.

Not like feeling insulted or humiliation,
Be precise.
At a very certain degree of exposure the one wouldn't want it publicised, but by whatever reason, chances of inescapable, unavoidables, available in titan black or rather dazzling in a thin moment can only be captured by scientific mind, oh well, just let it go, we've got to laugh about it.

Don't take your life too seriously; you can kiss me now

Why not?

Oh, o.k.
Why?

Oh, fair enough.
Why?

Oh, yea...

I can't do anything for you, sorry.
Then I'm not going.
Okay.

I want you to come.
Well, I was going to. But it's too much for me...too much inconvenience.
Why aren't you going?
Because I really don't think I can deal with all that shit.

Which part of my body do you like most?
Bum.
Bum.

Because you are weird, huh?
I am perfectly normal to be upset by injustice and insult.
Injustice? Who insulted you? Have I?
No.

Off you go.
The struggle goes on.

Foe of the minority; could have been better

I'm quite amazed by the fact that everyone seems to understand why I refuse to do that. I didn't explain my reason at all.
Hum, I've heard a lot about them.
I haven't. I just figured it out on my own.
They change into something totally different.
Oh my god, I can see the whole thing now.
They know how to play alone.
Ah, they know it's powerless.

Calm down, there are customers around.
¿Que pasa?
A pissed me off. After all that shit she's done to me, she accused me of telling S the fact for my own protection. Fucking twat.
No doubt, she is the worst and V goes the second.
Yea. The family.

How are you, are you alright?
No.
Why? What happened?
I'm pissed off.
By whom?
People.
Who? Customers?
No.
A member of staff?
Yea, management.
Which one?
T.
Oh, he always pisses me off, too.
I have a long been issue with him. This time, I'm gonna sort him out.
...
I don't like him anyway but I can't believe he talked to you like that. How rude.
I'm gonna do something about that.

She told me that he accused her of being ill and responsible for her baby.
Unbelievable. They don't know how to speak to their staff.

I'm already too old to be that superficial. can't afford to do it.
Don't you try to be my friend. I know you don't care.

Smile; critique of no reason

Smile Bommsoon, it doesn't cost any.
Bommsoon, smile.
Smile.
Come on Bommsoon, smile.

Why are you, English people, so obsessed with smile, huh?
I would smile if you make me smile.
Why do you care?

What do you expect from her?
SMILE.
And giggle. HEHEHE.

The action of telling a girl to smile indicates that they don't have life.
The action of smiling at people with no reason indicates that they want to be respected without reason.

I. Robot: Action's good

So you've watched it.
Yes, and I quite liked it. Thank you.
Oh you did. Yeah, it's a good movie. Action's really good.

Action's good.
Good movie.

excuse me.

I got up very early morning to work.
I pretended that I was fine.
I tried to smile but I reckon I was ugly.
I bought things would help me survive.
I've been thinking why I am thinking about what I've said last night.
I ate like a pig and regret my laziness I conducted for the last few days.
I was a little grumpy because I was offended by things others wouldn't have been by.
I've been frustrated by the bloody hotmail services since 2pm.
I am touchy, be careful, I might bite you.
I have 5 emails I can't read, hope they are not very important, they may not be.
I've tried to understand 8 pages of writing sent to me.
It bored me and I've got to fucking work, I don't know until when, I can never quite engage with.
That's life.
Sod off.

Teenage talk usually conducted by girls

...
I was like...then she was like...it was like, like...something like...yeah yeah yeah...it's like...you know like...they were like...he was like...I'm like...someone like...like...like...like...like...like...like...

Shut up.

Day 6

I thought I was fine. thought I would be fine.
But shit, I'm fucking scared.

Can a rooster become a saint in a planet where Trichiurus lepturus swims?

Yes.

no more

bitter sweet reason,
nothing you can look forward to,
zero degree of expectation,
a reply a week later arrives with the very indifference,
says,
I have hadn't any time for you,
finding out there is no chance you can get out of the ugly chain,
it may not be that bad,
over my dead body,
I am not going back to it,
hell no,
you've got to be joking,
you never dreamt of it but you should have imagined this was going to happen at least

IP: the Injured Party, Do you have weed?

Excuse me.
Yeah?
Do you have weed?
No, I don't.
You have weed. You have weed.
No, I don't.
Give me your bag. I am gonna stab you to death.
...
Where is your weed?
I said I don't have any.
You have weed. You have weed. I smelt you weed on the bus.
It wasn't me.
You have weed. You have weed.
I don't have weed. I have cigarettes instead.
Where is your money?
I don't have any at the moment.
Where is your money?
Oh...
Sorry.
?
What is this?
It's my MP3 player.
Give me that and give me your phone.
...................God damn it.

The Officer dealing with your case is:

PC 1518 KIRK, BROXTOWE

Incident/ Crime No CW/025444/09

What a wonderful world.

mother fuckers and sneaky bitches

in return I won't let you know what you've been.

As expected

I didn't deserve it.
Do you think you can go to sleep tonight?

Everything is wrong

There was one person before me when I arrived at my local post office,
and there was only one cashier.
I waited for roughly 15 minutes and I decided to give up posting,
I didn't want to miss my bus to town.
The cashier hadn't still finished his job for the guy until I left there.
I got to a bus stop 5minutes before the time the bus was supposed to arrive.
I waited for 20 minutes, the bus didn't come.
I was little stressed out. I went to a shop nearby, bought a pack of cigarettes.
The people waited for the fucking bus with me were still at the bus stop.
I thought I'd better get a different bus so walked a little further down.
The bus arrived very soon, full up with school kids, upstairs and downstairs.
The kids had a lot to say and do.
I got out of the hell in town and got on a bus to work.
An old lady took more than 1 minute each time she got on and off and a block sat near me stunk.
I was 2 minutes late for work. I told people that I was in a bad mood.
But A didn't stop talking on my ear until we finished work.

Every time when I think of you

I'm burning to dissolve in great indignation.
Flipping heck, you are the worst nightmare ever.

Knowing you

has been fairly dramatic and tested my patience.
The answer is open to your imagination.

nothing wrong with that

I run to you with a big hug will prolong until my next return, then I take your words into my heart last my existence.

At some point, you might have had a blackout to know this is not a decision.
You are safe.
You, then, ponder, as if you were at the moment.

I noticed that I was t. h. e. kind of person when I'd just encountered a stranger I shouldn't, in fact, have been suspicious of.

I didn't like the fact that he was trying to give me too much information about him.
I didn't ask. I am not interested in.
I also thought I couldn't bear him smelt little unpleasant.
He was there, in Musée de l'Orangerie where I was alone, wasn't impressed by any work of art.

I'm an artist, I said.
I would like to try art, sometimes, he said.
Oh, why is that?
Well, because I think it's good. I don't really understand art but I'd like to know.
...You don't have to understand art.
...Yea?

Why am I being grumpy?

...Just go to sleep.

Things aren't seemingly going well

I don't know what to do about it.
Nothing's easy for you, huh?

My apologies

It's just that I've been overwhelmed and feeling guilty about being greedy for things I couldn't do on my own.
So thick. Aren't I.

Not if you are happy-II

While my miserable first year was heading to the end, I met H in a night coach to Uni.
It was a strange coincidence.
My seat was next to hers and she opened a conversation like; if I was happy with school.
I said NO. Then she said she thinks that it may be quite normal for people like me.
Something hit my head.
She carried on our conversation with care but also with a bit of indifference.
When we were walking down to student hall she asked me if wanted to go to a nice cafe with her.
She said I will like the cafe and she would love to treat me.
I decided to go with her in hesitancy.
I was curious. Humm...she wants to have more chat with me.
Why?

I remembered her very bright in critical seminars I had attended.
She ruled the whole class.
She was the most eloquent, interesting and brutally opinionated student amongst many others.
I had an urge to challenge her and prompt others to speak.
She gave me a smile. I was a little confused.

Not if you are happy

I first met H13 years ago, back in 1996 at uni where I did my first degree.
She was a second year student and I was a fresher.
First a few months I was very unhappy with the imperative mood suspended in the whole department. I didn't want to associate with anyone. I hardly talked. I wanted to leave.
I saw her talking to someone in their studio space.
Her scruffy clothes, pale little face veiled her volatility and the heels...dark filthy heels undefended confident in bulky high heel sandals.
It was freezing cold, the day I noticed her.
I thought she was crazy.

I had to drop my following year and worked for a year.
When I got back to University to carry out my second year, she was still there.
She said she failed her second year.

Just stop there.
Let me cringe.
How could you be so thick?
You are exhibiting your stupidity by the crude outward decorum.

Would you be so kind enough to tell me if I met your expectation?

Who is she?

I asked her mother.
Then she wondered who I was.
You don't know how I feel about your daughter either.
You are free to think of me crazy mischief.
You laughed, you will talk about me when I'm gone and will remember me.
I guess I am very into your daughter.
I adore her face and the perfect bottom that I'm always tempted to squeeze.
Oh, and I also love the way she reacts to my misbehaviour.
But I don't miss her in her absence.

How's your new house?
The boys put the toilet seat down.
A asks me if I wanted a cup of tea when he puts the kettle on.
I don't fancy him nor does he.
There is a nice little garden I can go out for a cigarette.
She is the first Korean I've ever met.

Well...you know I said, I said,
I want it more than anything else!
That's my girl.

Things seem to go well.

You have been working hard.
I do hope you will make a fruiful result.

To enjoy life

is not to live the way you do

Too many things to do

to go crazy!