Upbeat voice

gets on my nerves.

Yes, you are right.

It doesn't mean anything to me.
I detest festive season and the mob psychology disgusts me.

I remember when I was about 11 or 12,
there was a summer special horror series on TV hit the whole country.
I enjoyed watching it just like others did,
but I liked it only because I thought it was a bit of joke.
Then one day mum worried that I wasn't over 15 asked me,
Oh Bommsoon... that's very creepy, isn't it?
Mum, am I supposed to be scared of it?
It is a horror series.
Well...pt. then yes, I am a little.
Is this what you wanted to hear?
I recognise all the makeup and disguises, fuck sake.
And look at the crap special effects, can't you see it?

I went to a local cinema for the first time in my life through a school event.
I was...9 and everyone else was under 12.
What is this about?
The space triumvirate will save us from dangerous aliens.
I think they won't. It's all fake. They are actors, in fact one of them is a comedian, don't you remember him?
Shut up. The space triumvirate FOREVER!

During the World Cup 2002, I was a final year student at uni.
I was enraged when they stopped lectures to watch football matches, forced donations to install a gigantic screen in the campus- fuck off, I'm not giving a penny away-, the massive number of multitudes suddenly turned into patriotic supporters completely paralysed traffic- bloody hell- and most associates I hung out with at uni criticised me- a weirdo, a traitor, etc- for not taking part.
Why?
Why should it mean something to me?
You, the mass, the mob, petrifying.

Then I struggle with my own stupidity

I would normally wake up with a slight worry towards undisclosed affairs in the time to come.
The moment I recognise that I've returned to slow consciousness reckons perpetual music from my stereo I had put on for the alarm set, careless noises my housemates' making, sunlight penetrating a close, or my guilt about impotence in myself is always determined to possess its existence.
Thanks for calling. You know we are at big hours difference.
I don't care what you've been doing and will do, I am sorry.
Please don't tell me things I didn't ask and you'd better not ask me things you won't ever understand. You couldn't see anything.
Ah, I don't like this. I doubt it.
You wander around out of hand.
I say I'm quite happy with some nice new music I discovered recently, and and I'm waiting for books I've ordered.

Vertigo

If there is nothing left to talk about between us,
that's fine by me.

Lively solitary

I thoroughly enjoyed tonight.
Ah, so nice.

Just like the Dec 2005

This Dec is.

Have I said what I had to say today?

I am not so sure.

Heading to the end, my dear friend Diane

How sweet of you describing me that way.
Thanks.
I might give it a little time.
I reckon, the door's never been open, or locked.
I am exhausted, I am disappointed, I am unable to move, I have broken arms and legs.
I live by the inertia I can't possibly get away from.
I look down on little pleasures and resist your custom.
I will not act on your dubious custom anymore.
I will not let you in.
Why hesitate? Just break in.

Let me make things clear for you

Some feelings aren't momentary.
It still hurts.

It will pass soon

don't be too distressed.
I'm sure you will change your mind tomorrow.
Feelings fade.

Don't get your hopes up

and do not run away from it.
I know it's going to be hard for you, but face it.
Let's see who you can be.
Whoever you become I will be with you.
I sometimes worried about you when you spoke about your dad.
Get over it, you've got to get over it.
I've never been honest about it.
I know.
What you don't know frightens you.
Grasp a moment pushing you most uneasy.
Take it as it is.

Oh dear, you are late again

How could you possibly come this time?
You told me to be patient, not punctual.
I didn't listen to you, I listened to You.
I never thought C would talk to me in that much friendly way, EVER.
Oh god, look at that fat grumpy face.
You have nothing to worry about, C is just being jealous.
Good lord, C smiled.
It wasn't nauseous, rather amusing after a year and 4 months void.
Thanks.
I mean it.

Parrhesia

I've started to wonder why Foucault was interested in this term.

Courage to say

that I love you.
I love you just as you are.
Please don't get hurt by the way I am.
I pretend things that you wouldn't ever know.
You don't allow people to love you.
My pal despondency doesn't let me do it.
Take a risk, be courageous and let yourself be in danger.
The purpose of saying it is to pass by.

I don't need to know what I should or shouldn't do

So don't tell me what to do.
You clearly remembered my expression that I won't ever be able to spot.
It's still imperative.
Still?
That's you, I remember.
The footsteps get on my nerves.
It sounded that they were happy talking to each other last night.
I was furious in the middle of sleep.
I will go and then you will fade into insignificance.

Learn to be patient

Ok.

I say that's healthy to be suicidal

I said I want to die everyday although I haven't made it happen.
She says, that's very normal.
We've just been imposed against ending our lives.
I hate it.
Fuckit.
What do we have to live for?
I didn't choose to be born.
I don't have to cope with all this shit.
To thank.
I think I should stop talking to you for a little while.
So you did?
Yes, I did.
I easily get disillusioned.
There must be something that you wish to continue.
The reason why I couldn't kill myself is that it was so beautiful.
I wanted to keep looking at it, the beautiful land.
We first met there and you met my first friend looking for me in a snowstorm the day I had a present.
You both told me about each other.
God bless, you are with me.
You are special, she's been missing.
Please don't die on me.
How weird.

Good idea

I think I should make a list of favourites, and
I should learn to be patient,
I should smile more,
I should eat less,
I should see the sun more,
I should treat myself to sth.
I should get you out of my mind.

It's hard

People.

Exquisite confession

It was embarrassing.
You seemed most intelligent when you said that so straight.
It was?

Trivial.
It was trivial, shallow or even wrong to me.
I understand it was of myself in fact.
Wonderful.

You, fat alcoholic.
Good to see you.

Estranged from authority

I met J years ago when H had become an activist, started working for the biggest rebellious organisation in Korea.
I was glad to hear H was enjoying working there and fell in love with the director since I disapproved of her engagement with her long term ex-boyfriend who used to beat her from time to time.
Once I found out her ex who I never really got on with treated her badly, I dragged H from their flat and kept her in my place for six months.
She went on seeing him.
I took her to doctor's. I was worried if she was pregnant.
I made my journey only to meet her new man, to check up on him.
I liked him as soon as I talked to him, but H told me that he was still with his fiancée. Brilliant.

I only noticed J when all of us (absolutely everyone) were offended by the crap opera, we were invited to, so decided to make a quick move to a pub so that we could talk loud about it.
On the way to a pub she was already talking very loud with great sarcasm.
I first didn't like the loud manner but in terms of the contents thought she was funny and interesting.
I wanted to know who the person was.
Oh my lord, she is hideous. I thought.
I then discovered that J was a board member of the organisation, Uni lecturer with a doctorate degree in Korean literature and infamous play critic.
A few months later when half of my aesthetics study group members went on their postgraduate studies so we decided to stop meeting, I joined their philosophy seminar sessions.
I met J again.
I actually didn't mind J and nor did she.
I barely knew anyone apart from H so felt a little bit isolated, but the day I was late for the seminar things changed.
Everyone laughed so much, especially J couldn't stop laughing for so long and probably she still laughs about it.
They said I was hilarious, said I was what exactly H used to describe me to them.
J thought I was just like her.
Everyone agreed we were identical.
I didn't understand what it actually meant.

That's abuse.
In terms of the similarity between us,
she's just been disappointed at which I am.

H is still in love with the same guy.
I am happy for her.
I am happy too, but I never expected this was going to be this hard.
I know it very well.
I won't say more if that's what you want to go through.

Your day

I lied to you.
Have I ruined your day?

13 minute desolation

Around 13.46pm today.
There was a warm contagious lump underneath unguarded pale curves see through a fine freckle lying on thin veins forgotten hunger.
I wished you would be dissipated soon in burning sight unreasoned calm never been mine.
Who will remember this has seen it.
I ran into you there was a wooden bench I sat.
People I despised, people I loved, people I never met will welcome my return I insist.
It's time to go back that's nothing.
You want to go back no more holding his myth.
Live on what you think it was physical.
Have I become healthier to say I want to go back than want to die.
Hold on a minute.

I can't tell you

It will bring me to light.
All my honesty you've seen was to play this game, to fight against my will.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (10)

Hello, mate.
Yes.
I couldn't go to sleep.
Oh dear, why?
Something worries me.
What is it?
You know S.
Have I told you that I decided to end a relationship with one of my mentors at uni?
Well...it rings me a bell.
He was very nice to me but his attitude was not healthy.
I didn't like the way he tried to read my mind.
But I think you do that too.
It always freaks me out when you watch people with knowing what's going on but not saying anything.
Do I really do that?
Yeap, and I don't like it even if it is not my case.
What is going on and I just watch?
You perfectly sense that the person in front of you is behaving abnormally or spiteful, but you never say a word for a while.
Do I?
Yes!
That's a little cruel although I don't think it's a bad thing to do.
Do I watch them with a blank expression on my face?
Of course not. You are slightly laughing at them.
I see.
You may not be the same person now though.
It could be quite scary then.
It is indeed.
I may have done it today.
Then you have done it.
However, in fact, I genuinely did not know what I was required to say or do due to the very meandering manner.
Humm...you didn't.
It irritated me, but I didn't ask her what she really wanted from me.
Leave it cool or make yourself be used to it.
I don't mean this is not a place, this is a part of the place.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (09)

Been there for a long time.
I only figured that I am still thinking about you.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (08)

I have considered living like you.
I totally envy your way to conduct life.
She often told me that she only needs men to have sex or to objectify herself.
You can still know that love does not exist even if you haven't experienced a serious relationship.
We like to get together, we can talk for hours about various subjects and that's enjoyable and we take care of each other, but it does not mean I'm in love with him.
I was terrified by the nightmare I became hermaphrodite.
I am bearing with a creature I might have left if I am, I was.
Is this just enduring, ways and means to be fair, learning to grow or wanting?
You shouldn't be if you didn't want to.
I'd like you to know that.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (07)

I have noticed that we both do not believe in each other.
We pretend and only said so.
Congratulations.
T actually had said to me that T did not TRUST anyone on that particular occasion.
I laughed but at the same time I also asked myself whether I did or not.
Neither did I.
I had left it open.
I chose not to make my mind up.
Not like my mind, my grown-up corpse worries instruction.
Admit that.
I may not be capable of facing the world.
You, have a good day.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (06)

I honestly thought she would have been the cleverest woman I will ever meet.
Well..she is clever but probably not the most intelligent.
I was scared of how I would be mirrored in her eyes.
I saw myself very clearly over the last few days she has frequently become “ordinary” or below, sorry about this.
I have always fought against prejudice might disrupt my own sights.
I wasn’t influenced by specific others’ but realised that I was indeed, by others’ in general. I mean the social ones, the very big invisible one.
I want to kill her sometimes.
Yes, right now, right here with wild and sharp shouts.
Oh, I jumped from her to her.
That’s her testing my patience.
Well… perhaps her too.
I just wanted to announce that I am not afraid to demonstrate my stupidity today.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (05)

The weather is getting cold here.
I never liked coldness.
But is it I should be familiar with now?
What should I be familiar with?
I have started thinking of leaving this city.
Thought I should be moving on. It is always people, make me moving.
The way they look at me, the way I feel onto it and the way I think I should be.
But what should I be?
By talking to S today I realised that I never do what I really want to do.
I have never done at least. Should I start doing it now? Or shouldn't I?
What if I don't know what it might be?
So sensitive myself to smell, I sometimes wake up from sleep,
notice I have not emptied the little bin beside my bed for a while.
I've got to empty it, I walk down with a bin bag, open the front door witness outside house. Surreal. Always it looks I am unaccustomed to.
The big council bin is never clean, I then wash my hands, frown at a hair in the basin if there is any, get back to my room.
On the way back to my place, I hear the boy next door snoring loudly or sometimes hear the 18stone fat boy watching TV upstairs.
Then I will never be able to get back to sleep soon.
Should I be that so sensitive to smell? I guess I shouldn't, but how can I be insensitive to or unaware of?
I wanted to sense everything in this world.
I wanted to appreciate as many as possible. I did not want to miss a thing.
As I am getting older I feel that I appreciate more things and I like it.
But the truth is it has not very changed the core in me.
Although it is apparent that I have moved into a new region of living where I thought I replaced people could be around me, nothing seems different.
It doesn't matter where they are from, where they belong to now or how I get to know them.
I am not afraid of losing anymore.I am not so glad of having anymore.
There aren't any I know of.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (04)

This is what you are.
Get pissed off by things you can't have, then
burn your jealousy instead to be glad at others' good news
polish your vanity but do not show it
things aren't getting better because of you
it is that you want to die, not you will die
it is not us can change, it is you can change
the door handle to will isn't outside, that is inside
only you can open
if I really want to listen to you?
even if you may speak slow or vulgar, neither of which is my type?
I don't know, I may not like you that way,
but I am curious to know what it would be like to watch you; knowing I won’t possibly like it but chose not to be afraid to show yourself.
I am excited.
I don’t think you are that pessimistic.
As you know, the problem is that you are broken so sad.
You aren’t negative at all.
Let you be slow.
You will be fine if you can try not to be something.

Well…he said, he is a professor at a University in New York.
I now see that he told me the truth.
Yes, I recognise his face on the little photo.
Hi, I found you.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (03)

I said, in my essay I wrote for a “special activity” in the very large nursery school.
They asked us to write anything we had felt or thought of church.
They said ‘anything’ but I wondered what if ‘anything’ doesn’t include my opinion?
We were given an hour.
I spent about 40 minutes on thinking and looking at my teacher’s face becoming so desperate to make me write really ‘anything’.
I asked,
Can you promise me that you said I could write ‘anything’ related to church?
She answered,
Yes, I promise.
Please just write ‘anything’.
I won one of the prizes, don’t remember if it was the second or third but I am sure it was definitely not the first.
I was stunned anyway.
They kept their promise.
My Miss graceful announced that they thought my criticism, well...what I had seen Christianity and education in church I experienced, was refreshing.
My essay was almost like this; I don’t like this and that because...I understand that but don’t understand why this is what...I think it is wrong because...I believe it should be this way...
Not to hope.

I don't remember if I experienced the world (02)

We, my mum and dad and me, were on a train travelling.
A stereotypical loser, my dad, sorry dad but that’s how I remember you, asked me to sing a song.
I sense that he wants to draw attention through me.
I feel obligated to sing a song in a third class train.
I start singing without hesitation.
No, no, not that you made up. Can you sing a song that we know?
He said to stop me. He got embarrassed.
I don’t know what you know.
I haven’t learned any songs yet.
I haven’t even started school.
The nursery school I go to only teach hymns.
I fucking hate it.

I don’t remember if I experienced the world (01)

Since I was little, I have often spent hours daydreaming about anything not real.
Both my parents were always away from home, so I didn’t talk to them much.
Other kids who I should have played with weren’t very...I preferred to be on my own.
I learned to read quite quickly and it prompted my parents to buy me a collection of children books despite the penury we had to endure.
I didn’t think all the stories made sense but I decided to add things, I thought would have made them more believable and interesting, to them.
I soon finished reading the whole collection, but my parents couldn’t afford to buy me new books.
I said, I would read them again.
I read them until I could recite every single detail,
but I could never repeat the same stories.
I was taken over by one of many, myself.

Crescent lunatic

I hardly knew my honesty and outspokenness could be real hell.
It didn’t leave me.
It has come back to me petrifying gleam.
The advice from someone fine won’t help someone having a difficult time.
It never will.
I have decided to leave you for a while.
Thought I should stop suffering from your scale.
The days I have chosen will make things discrete.
I mean the burp will turn to be necessary before I drink water.
It is not kindness but a skill not making troubles.
You are right.
I feel suicidal but it doesn’t mean I will die soon.

Information about you

You wanted to be clear.
The transparency of glass provokes clashes.
Mind you, it has a face.
I also noticed that mirror itself isn’t clear.
It only gives us an impression of it.
I have broken arms and legs, but you are sick.
You can’t walk and I am going to shrink.
You didn't know courage results from selfishness?
Why do you think you burst into tears?
It told me why I tried not to know.
I didn’t think I could tell you this.
I hoped you would tell me.
I needed to learn how not to take it.

Descriptions of 11 females

I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.
I don't like her.

What am I laughing at?

Get a grip, Bommsoon.

A phenomenon

I knew he was looking at my open diary.
When I was just about to leave my country,
I found his statement about me in his blog.
He said he could have loved me.
I knew he was ready to love me, but I didn't let him do it.
I never gave him a chance.
I never liked the way he was.
He was a coward.
He was hurt.
He was a total wreck.
He then realised, as he stated, it was the reason I left him behind.
I was released, glad he finally got it.
And I wondered if I wasn't hurt.
I was hurt too.
I didn't want to look back.
I was afraid of looking at myself fucked up.

You need to see things correctly, she says.
How? I ask.
How? She repeats.
Separate facts and hopes.
What's the difference?
Then she remains in silence.
It's all a matter of faith, huh? Faith in life. But the thing is we have it or don't have it. Its existence or non existence is not subject to variation. I shout out.
Try not to be taken in. She says quietly.
I understand what you mean my love.
I cannot describe how much I miss you.
I have started to enjoy this cold but you are always in my mind.
I lied that I was happy for your commitment.
I am madly jealous of it.
Being your only friend doesn't mean anything.
I feel terribly insecure.
I live at present.

Too many eyes

Somebody just rang the bell.
I don't know who it was.
I do not care.
It is not the right time I should respond to it.
I met a couple where I work today.
I've been working in that place for about 1 year.
I only noticed them coming there last month and spoke
to a man that I saw him with her a few days later.
I then finally bumped into them today.
I tried to give a good impression,
to whom I thought I should have been.
I do not care who might be standing outside for me.
I've been chuckling at myself for the last 2 days.
Some colleagues were just happy to see me smiling,
some asks why I was going mad.
I responded that I had a really funny conversation with someone,
and it stays in my mind.
Then I was asked who I had a conversation with.
I did not want to let them know.
That is this.
If I tell people about it, I may lose the moment.
A tenacious boy asked if it was secret.
I said, no.
I do not want to tell him.
He would not understand the whole situation.
I do not even want to give him a brief description.
He could never understand what it was like.
But he asks again.
Oi.
I had to say something is not true.
Why don't you let me be myself?

An Example of Bilingual Dialogue

It's me, Bommsoon says:
min?
[Min] says:
why?
It's me, Bommsoon says:
did you get my msg?
[Min] says:
흑.;;
[Min] says:
msg가 모여?
[Min] says:
what' is msg-_-
It's me, Bommsoon says:
message
[Min] says:
무슨 메시지..;
It's me, Bommsoon says:
or massage. hahaha
[Min] says:
무슨말했었는데
[Min] says:
어떤 메시지인지 몰러..;
[Min] says:
말혀봐
It's me, Bommsoon says:
i said
It's me, Bommsoon says:
i made a blog
[Min] says:
아 봤다..
[Min] says:
회사에서 봐서
[Min] says:
나중에 확인했다
[Min] says:
근데 주소는 지금 회사에 있당.;;
[Min] says:
해외 사이트에 개설했더군..;
It's me, Bommsoon says:
yes
It's me, Bommsoon says:
becasue
[Min] says:
지난번꺼보다는 그래도 상당히 친절해졌더군..;
It's me, Bommsoon says:
did you read any?
[Min] says:
약간봤어
[Min] says:
회사에서 확인해서..;
It's me, Bommsoon says:
if you remember any
It's me, Bommsoon says:
do you think
[Min] says:
nothing..;;
It's me, Bommsoon says:
my writing style in english is fairly the same as my korean
It's me, Bommsoon says:
?
[Min] says:
흐흐 한마디로 라이팅 스킬이 어떤지 봐달라는거여..;;
It's me, Bommsoon says:
no
[Min] says:
흑...누구핱네 봐달라는겨..;;
It's me, Bommsoon says:
style
[Min] says:
몰라..
[Min] says:
솔직히 바뻐서 꼼꼼히 못챙겼어
[Min] says:
다시 주소 주소
It's me, Bommsoon says:
http://moveyourspring.blogspot.com/
[Min] says:
지금 모친이 아침 먹으라고한다
It's me, Bommsoon says:
haha
[Min] says:
보고서 방명록에 남길꼐
[Min] says:
그럼 수고
It's me, Bommsoon says:
ok

Impressed?

I saw you needed to be asked, but I didn’t want to hear about what you had to say.
I am sorry if that hurt you.
It hurt myself.
You knew I noticed that you’d wanted me to make an inquiry but I deliberately didn’t.
Nevertheless, do you not want to know why I didn’t at that moment?
I will tell you why when the moment becomes appropriate for both of us.
If you were angry about it, we still need a chat.
Well...let’s say, we invest a momentary cut for thirst rather than being angry about the retina gets unclear.
Simple theory.

...don't know what to say...

It is not because you are fractious it is because they make me angry you are wrong i am not willing to tolerate you unfair you sitting on the fence you quiet and also you have no idea what’s going on i will make things uneasy for you will not shut my mouth up the death of sanity the origin of contagion the miasma of recession paralysing vitality i wish you don’t change you don’t beautiful the moment you go extreme bipolar I’m exhausted but don’t feel like sleeping at all think it's red inapplicable two reds adjustable at your private manual typed by lesser mortals wandering in a cage open.

Ultimately incorrect

Sorry.
It’s not what you think.
I’ve never meant it.
Let this play goes up in the air.
You try to butter me up.
I don’t like it at all.
I expressed myself ever so clearly today,
but it won’t be impeccably true tomorrow.
Every possible flavour is up to your determination.
Give it a go.

Your sensitivity

There were a boy and a girl walked pass.
I saw them through my adequate windowpane.
It was a day I felt ever so alone.
It was a day the sky was fairly clear.
I shouldn't have been depressed on a day like that.
But I couldn't stop thinking about you.
I hope you have been thinking about me too.

The girl I saw was wearing glasses had bobbed hair but with no other belongings.
The boy walked along seemed to be paying great attention to the girl.
He had a few questions for her and kept checking her facial responses.
He was full of curiosity about her and had a bag full of unknowns.

I wonder if you had brown eyes or dark grey.
Was it something different colour?
I don't remember.
I never remember what you look like.
I can tell how I feel about it,
but I can't describe you face.
I looked at you many times,
but I never had a chance to remember your look.

I only remember your words.
The words saw through me.

I'm sure you have encountered countless moments before you talked about this.
The person I know must have.
Are you saying that you want to avoid this?
Did you say that you want to be diplomatic?
If you want to be wise I think you should carry this.
Not to confront it, just to let it be around.
But I see you are already dealing with it.
You will go through it well.

All of which flawed in my mind has started to fester.
You know, I don't always go for queries.

This is time you rub your forehead

You might also want to feel your index finger nail on your upper lip.
You see it's firm but delicate, cooler than the fingertip.
Unfamiliar activity?
What does it remind you of?
I'm glad that the weather is not so severe.
I have quite a few books to read.
But none of them I want to open up right now.
Their potential to infect my knowledge at the very back of the red lump pulsating scares me.
I am the core of the apple you chose.
Your concern for the scent of victory.
Remove the flesh.
Find me.
Find your interior yearing will whet your appetite for hydro sweetheart.
Hurry up.
I'm impatient.

Everyone lives in their own way

Do you know 'leave'?
Do you mean 'live' or 'leave'?
I know you meant 'leave'.
There is a difference between an 'opened window' and 'unopened window'.
You make a choice.
The window is right in front of you.
Do you want to see the world through it or do you want to feel its immensity?
You will make the right choice.
I believe in you.
I wish you like me, not to be like me.
Cool and grey.
If you are in.
Slight discomfort.
If you are out.
But you are dealing with it anyway.
found it difficult?
it's never easy.
Do not despair.
Is that all you can say?
You might want to say something sweet, honey.
Try to fine one for me.
In this misery, we need some sweets.
I had a whole packet of chocolate raisins.
I couldn't stop it last night.
I was so deserate for comfort.
I had no one to talk to.
I never needed you.
You are independent.
Well...I don't want to be.
I just have to be,
otherwise I will fall apart.
Are you listening?
I don't think anyone has listened my compilation properly, daring.
They are not interested.
Has my explanation badly influenced your motivation?
Let's see who wanted know themselves better.
See who's got me.